My $5 Christmas Tree Story

It all started with the purchase of a $5 permit to cut down your own Christmas tree in the Deschutes National Forest. Not that I'm too cheap to spend $40 on a farm-grown 6-foot tree down at the local lot - although I hate their graduated pricing scheme : $20 trees it says, and then when you stop to check it out it's for a 4-footer. Then $30 for a 5-foot tree, $40 for 6, $50 for 7, etc. This is annoying as well as a rip-off. And hey it can be fun to get the family outside for a tree hunt : dress up warmly, go tramping through the snow, argue about which tree to cut down, etc.

So I got Carmyn to help me, and we drove 20 miles up the highway to a Snowpark lot. I ski from there quite a bit, and thought I remembered a good stash of small to medium size trees, not too far from the trailhead. So we got our snowshoes on, and went off along the well-packed trail. After 5 minutes, we broke off the main trail into the deep snow, and soon enough started seeing some great trees. Luckily we didn't have to go too far, as Carmyn was falling over every five steps, having difficulty keeping her balance in the unpacked snow. I found a decent tree, and left her to 'guard' it, while I circled around looking for something better. In a few minutes I had found 'the one', and I called Carmyn over.

Now there are many rules to cutting down your own tree - like maximum height is 12 feet, has to be 150 feet away from roads or trails, don't leave more than a 12" stump, etc. This one looked pretty hefty, probably over 10 feet, with at least a 6-inch diameter trunk. But I figured it couldn't be too hard sliding it back to the car over the snow. So I whipped out my folding hand saw, and started cutting it down. Well the solid trunk was a bit resistant to my wimpy saw, and after zipping it around the trunk 1" deep all around, the saw was getting stuck trying to cut any deeper. Hmm, maybe have to cut a couple feet higher where it's not so thick, or get a smaller tree... ? No, I like this tree, and I'm taking it! Then I get one of those light-bulb thingies over my head, as I see a larger tree about 20 feet away, and I tie a rope between it and my tree, using a slip-knot to tighten the rope, thereby opening up the cut a little bit, and allowing me to saw further without getting pinched. A couple more rope-tightening and cutting sessions, and she's good to go - timber !

Next step, use one of the ropes I brought to wrap around the tree's branches and make it collapse into a nice tapered cone shape like a cheap umbrella. Well again I was surprised : at how resistant the branches were to being bent, and how difficult it was to even move the tree around at all. Carmyn is helping me by holding the rope here and there, and we get it wrapped around the tree, but there is definitely no 'collapsing effect' happening, and this idea is basically out the window and sunk deep into the snow.

Ok well now for my next act of ingenuity, where I fashion a harness out of the other rope, attach it to the trunk, step into it, and pull the tree along like a sled dog. I conjure up a cool harness, tell Carmyn we're on our way, start pulling... and nothing, the tree won't budge. I lean into it hard pulling backwards, and get it to move half-a-foot. Not too bad, maybe try some different angles... nope. This is not working. There's way too much friction between the stout branches and deep snow, and I've got a ways to go before reaching the packed trail. Carmyn is starting to whine about cold feet, and I realize there's less than 10 minutes before a full-on child melt-down. Well, I could always come back with some more help later... Or I could make a cut higher up and only come back with a 6-foot tree. No, I stubbornly refuse to not come back with this nice giant tree. I try rotating it around, hoping for better sliding on another side of it, and somehow I get myself under the tree, the trunk on my shoulder, and it moves ! Maybe that's the way. I untie the harness, get under it again, and holding onto one thick branch, and driving forward at a 45-degree angle, I am able to move it forward a few feet. It's still ridiculously heavy, and I will probably tear a few muscles and rupture my back, but the damn thing is moving !

As I bear the tree through the deep snow, the symbolism of it all hits me : Jesus carrying the cross, my carrying the tree in a similar posture. I even fall to my knees a few times as it gets too heavy and lose my balance. Carmyn is voicing something that sounds like complaining, but I ignore her - I'm on a mission, and I drive forward, sweat pouring out of many orifices. After 10 minutes or so, finally reach the 8-foot snowbank that rims the parking area, and I collapse down it, exhausted but elated. Soon it is lying beside the van - and it is about as long as the van. The next step is getting it onto the roof of the van, which unfortunately is quite high up. After a few lame attempts, where scratching the car is the only result, I realize I need help. I have another great idea : pull the tree up onto the snowbank, back the van up to the edge of it, and the slide it onto the roof. But instead I walk over to a skier getting ready to head out on the trail, and get him to help me hoist the tree up onto the roof - yep that was way easier. Tie it to the rack and we're done. It stays put on the drive home, and I'm able to tumble it onto the driveway when we arrive back home.

I get out the tape measure - and what do you know, almost 14 feet ! Oops, 2 feet over the limit. Well before you go running out into the woods to get your own giant $5 tree, let me inform you of the true cost :
- New bomber stand to hold 14-foot tree : $50
- 150 feet of lights to wrap around it all the way up : $35
- extension cord pack : $12
- Extra bulbs to hang on all the branches of big tree : $65
- A giant Christmas tree in your house : $priceless