Safeway rant

Man do I hate the intrusive style of the employees at Safeway. It must be part of their employee training to treat all customers as stupid, untrustworthy and weak. The intended plus side of this approach is that we will think they are caring, but in reality most people call it Annoying.

The other day I was shopping at the local Safeway - they have a few things I can't get at other stores, so I am forced to go there occasionally - and I find myself in need of Shampoo (you know, to help cleanse my lice-infested ratty hair). So I'm trundling along in the general direction of Pharmaceutical personal grooming products, and I get the old "Are you finding everything OK?" from an employee passing by. Now do I look like I'm fucking lost ? I'm pushing my cart along here at a rapid pace with a determined stride - it looks like I know where the fuck I'm going - wouldn't you think ? Maybe you could just say "How are you doing (stupid customer who has no clue where they're going are what they're doing) ?" Anyways I brush this one off with only very mild irritation, and continue along.

Now I find the wondrous shampoo aisle, and behold row upon row of fabulous head washing products. I scan through the items, looking at prices, etc. I'm willing to spend a minute or two on making the right choice - I've got the time. The soapy bottle I'm about to buy will probably last me several months, so why not make a choice I'll be happy with ? Approximately 5 meters away is an employee stocking shelves, and I can sense their nervous energy as they steal quick glances at my purchasing decision process. I feel an Approach coming on. Meanwhile another employee comes by and says something to me in passing - I don't really hear it, and just nod, ignoring them. Then I see the 2 of them confer, and catch bits of their conversation "...I don't know, it looks like he's...". A few moments later, the shelf stocker approaches with an expression of deep concern, and lets forth with "Sir, can I help you find anything?".

OMG, you dumb shit ! Your misguided empathy is killing me ! Do you think I would be so stupid as to be staring at the shampoo bottles, all the while thinking "Ok, where's the fucking milk, I know they're hiding it in here somewhere...". And if I did need help, I just might ask you a goddam question about it - or are you thinking the poor customers are much to shy and polite to impose upon the employees ? I finally boil over at this point, and tell her to stop bothering me, I'm tired of all their interference.

Now let's skip to checkout, where the cashier is giving me the eye as she scans the six-pack of beer. You know it's coming... "Can I see some ID?". OK let's be realistic here - I'm 46 years old, the skin on my face doesn't exactly have the smooth elastic quality of a teenager, yes those are wrinkles around my eyes, and if I'm not wearing a hat you may just happen to observe the thinning hair. But you know the 'alcohol purchase : check ID' message came up on her console, and they've all been brainwashed by Safeway Control to check the ID's of anyone who looks under 65 and isn't wearing a colostomy bag. This happens when I've got my kids with me as well : so here I am with my 7-year old, and the lady's asking me for ID. So perhaps if her uncontrolled brain did the math, she might figure out that if I'm under 21 - say 20 - then I had this kid when I was 13, which means conception happened when I was 12 - so now she's accusing me of being some pre-teen pervert ! And to cap off their stupidity, when I offer my drivers's license for their perusal, they don't just glance at the birth year and hand it back, they actually enter the birth date into to their console so it can do the math for them ! 1961 - that might be before they were born...we're obviously no longer dealing with sentient thinking beings here. I really believe Safeway has some advanced genetic control research center, where they do bioligical manipulation of new employees during orientation. Or perhaps they are all controlled by some central processor - I'll look closely for small antennas poking out from their heads next time.

So whatever, this doesn't bother me too much... Now we're done processing the order, and I'm waiting for the next Idiotic Safeway Customer Approach, which happens at least half the time : "Do you need help out today sir?". Ok now I'm too old and weak too carry out my own groceries, but a few minutes ago I was too young to buy alcohol ? Which is it, they can't both be true, right ? The abomination of your stupidity is simply too much to bear !

But I will be back, if only to fuck with you next time :)