Important Safety Information

Why does every product these days - no matter how insignificant - contain a lengthy list of ridiculous warnings about how not to kill yourself with this product ? You're looking for some relevant information on how to use the item you just bought, but all you get is page after page of incredibly obvious safety warnings. The corporate lawyers have gone nuts trying to cover the company's ass - and there's no way they can cover it all anyways.

For example, the instructions that came with the rope light I bought - to provide some psychedelic Christmas cheer - has 37 IMPORTANT SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS. Here's the first one :
1) READ AND FOLLOW ALL SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS
Well duh, of course if I'm starting to read it then I'm probably... uh reading it. Oh follow it as well, well that's no fun. So shouldn't # 2 be :
2) Read #1 again, then skip ahead to #3. Wait, you better read #2 once more just to be sure.
Here's some choice ones :
10) Do not submerge flexible light in liquids, or use the product in the vicinity of standing water or other liquids.
Damn - I bought this thing for my hot-tub - oh well. I guess I'll shove it in my closet next to my bathtub toaster.
However, should I choose to hang it on my tree, I guess I wouldn't want to get to close to it while drinking my favourite beverage - no doubt a static discharge of some kind would result - causing immediate and fatal self-combustion.
15) Do not leave rope light unattended while plugged in.
Wow good thing I bought that 30-below sleeping bag, I can't wait to curl up with my light along the driveway every night, until it shuts off around 2am.
25) Do not operate with the rope tightly coiled around objects.
Well that turfs my great glow-in-the-dark masturbation idea - why'd I buy this thing anyways ?
It seems they missed quite a few, and I think they've got some lawsuits coming their way. How about :
54) Do not insert ropelight into anus, especially while plugged in.
57) Do not use for rock-climbing or other sports where a rope is required.
For rednecks :
63) Do not use ropelight to tow boats or ATV's. And read #54 again.
67) Do not ignite ropelight from a fire or other heat source. If ropelight is accidentally ignited, do not insert in anus. Especially if anus is wet...wait a second...

Day of the Cookie

Got into work today after a bitching little morning ski. Decanted myself a styro cupful of the office sludge, but my growling stomach demanded something more substantial to go along with it. The search in my office for granola bars or other semi-healthy snacks was futile, so grabbed a quarter and headed to the vending machine. The best choice appeared to be Grandma's raisin cookies. Probably loaded with sugar and preservatives, but not the time to be choosy. After purchasing the item, I observe that the expiry date is today - not really concerned about it, due to aforementioned sugar and preservative agents.

A few minutes after consuming the cookies and coffee, I receive an office email that someone brought a bunch of cookies in, and left them in the kitchen for all to enjoy. Damn - if had waited a bit, could have got cookies for free, and probably better quality too. Several minutes later, another email arrives, concerning more cookies that have been brought in. Now I am quite agitated, and go to the kitchen to grab some cookies before they are snatched up by the greedy hordes. I see the vending machine dude, and mention that the cookies I got out of the machine were expiring today. He checks the dates on the remaining ones - sees that they all expire today too - and tells me to hold out my arms so he can load me up with all the soon-to-be-dead Grandma's cookie packages. I walk around the office, distributing all the loot, and wonder what else is in store today - this Day of the Cookie. Perhaps if I walk outside at the wrong time, a large cookie meteorite may obliterate me.